Do Not Tell Me To Lighten Up!

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Censorship, LGBT Equality, Mary Griggs, Rant, Women's Rights

(c) by Mary Griggs

We’ve all heard people exercising their privilege by trivializing particular ‘isms. Nothing is guaranteed to send me into the stratosphere faster than to be told to “lighten up” when I’ve been offended by sexist/ racist/ homophobic/ transphobic remarks or jokes.

When such remarks or jokes are made (or, worse, defended), it is a condoning of the notion that those who are the butt of the joke are funny, worthy of being laughed at or not to be taken seriously. It perpetuates and normalizes their silencing and degradation.

Many people think it is only necessary to protest against extreme forms of oppression – women who face honor killings in Islamic countries, for instance, or LGBT people who have lost their jobs after coming out. When they contrast such blatant injustice with everyday prejudice, they feel justified in dismissing concerns for other people’s pain as silly.

While it is very important for us to object to such obvious forms of discrimination and inequality, it doesn’t mean subtle bigotry is acceptable. We don’t draw lines where some levels of prejudice are okay. Further, when you look at the larger picture (including violence against women, gays, lesbians and trans folks which is easier after they’ve been dehumanized), it is not trivial at all.

Asking someone to not use slurs or terminology that others find offensive is not a First Amendment issue. The First Amendment gives people the right to say many things, including things that insult others. But, it doesn’t obligate anyone to use such words or obligate anyone else to condone their use. A simple matter of respecting current norms for human decency and empathy mean that we stop ourselves from needlessly harming people by using terms they find offensive.

If someone thinks something I said was offensive, my response is actually to change the way I’m saying those things so it doesn’t offend people. I know that you absolutely cannot avoid offending everyone, but offending people for the fun of it is called being a bully. If you have any concern for the feelings of others (which is not a weakness but a strength) I think you should try to avoid saying things that are deliberately harmful and devalue individual members of certain social categories.

There are many areas we must work on to create a society free from discrimination but I emphatically believe that the words we use can have an impact and influence our ability to even discuss the issues facing us, much less address them.

At the very least, stop asking people who find this offensive to “lighten up” – they have very valid reasons to feel the way they do.

For Writers Reading in Public

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Mary Griggs, Publishing

(c) by Mary Griggs

I had a reading and signing at Laurel Book Store on Valentine’s Day with the Queen of Romance, Karin Kallmaker. Prior to the event, we got into a conversation with Linda Kay Silva about the importance of authors being able and willing to read in public.

Writing can be an intensively personal process. As Robert A. Heinlein wrote, “Writing is not necessarily something to be ashamed of, but do it in private and wash your hands afterwards.”

However, these days authors have need to become performers, too. Reading from your books in public, answering questions about the creative process and giving people an opportunity to purchase a signed copy can be nerve wracking for introverted and difficult for the shy. For those who aren’t practiced as public speakers, it can be painful for the audience as well.

While I’ve only published two books, I also do trainings and presentations in my non-author, professional life. Here are some of the tips I’ve learned.

Know your material – this may seem crazy because you obviously wrote it but reading over your selection aloud in front of a mirror or your pets or partner really does help you work on your pacing and to remind you when to take a breath. It also helps for you to remember each character so you can start by telling your audience who is appearing in the passage and their significance to the story.

See what you’re doing – plenty of authors just grab a copy of their book and read from that. The one problem is that the font is small on the page and it is easy to lose your place when you look up. Consider printing out your material in a large font and making notes on the page of where to stop and pause and what to emphasize.

Personally connect with the audience by making eye contact with them. You don’t need to completely memorize your reading and stare at them like a serial killer but do glance around the room every couple of paragraphs. For the shy, it really helps if you choose one audience member to talk to and imagine you’re having a one-on-one conversation with them. After a bit, choose another person to speak to and so on.

Use a friendly tone of voice. There is nothing more dull than listening to someone read in a monotone. Remember the emphasis and accents that adults did when reading to you as a kid? Try giving voice to your characters and their personalities and the emotions of the scene you’re reading.

Practice reading with a microphone – reading too close to the pickup or speaking too loud can cause feedback and positioning a lapel mic too close to the face can pick up heavy breathing. By the same token, don’t assume there is going to be a microphone. You need to practice projecting your voice – you don’t want to shout at your audience but they do need to hear you. Remember that your voice is carried on your breath so experiment with your breathing – breathe from your diaphragm (put your hand on your tummy to feel) and see how your voice sounds to someone standing far away from you. Also, lower registers carry farther than higher, so try and relax so your throat isn’t tight.

Of course, telling yourself to relax can be counterproductive but there are tricks for that, too. Stretch your neck up and down and from side to side, make a funny face or smile, or, better yet, laugh. Take a few deep breaths and let them out slowly. Drink a little water (which will also help with a dry mouth).

Finally, respect your audience and the venue by being timely. This means arriving early, so the event coordinators aren’t stressing out and you have a chance to meet people, but also for you to stick to the allotted time. While this is especially true when multiple people are reading, it is important when it is just you, too. Your selection should leave the audience wanting more – five minutes or so is usually enough to hook them good.

I hope these tips are a help. Just remember you’re doing all this to sell them your work, so gird your loins and git ‘er done!

Please let me know if I’ve left anything out or if you have your own tricks to share.

Sticks, Stones and Words

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Mary Griggs, Transgender

by Mary Griggs

I recently witnessed a respected member of the LGBTQ community hectoring a respected member of the trans community on a Facebook forum.

She had posted a link about finding a t-shirt company that markets with the slogan of “tranny grannies” to be offensive. His response was that words have no power, that only actions hurt. He demanded that she explain why this word was a problem when other people are using it.

Despite her quoting from the Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation (GLAAD) statement that the term is “usually considered offensive and/or defamatory” by members of the transgender community, he continued to press her on the issue.

The dialogue reminded me of the recent issue with Suzanne Moore and the resulting internet firestorm between some members of the radical feminist community and trans folks and their allies.

I certainly don’t agree with all my enemies or my allies. There are plenty who I wouldn’t piss on if they were burning. That being said, if someone has stated that they find a particular word or phrase offensive, I try to offer them the basic courtesy of acknowledging that and dig deep into my mental thesaurus to find another way to express myself.

Doing so doesn’t damage me but it does allow for the dialogue to stay focused on the issue and not on how we’ve made each other feel.

I don’t use the T word, even though RuPaul might say he’s fine with it because I know it distresses those who are facing bias and discrimination because of their gender identity or expression.

There is a need for us to be inclusive of all those who fit under our rainbow umbrella. We should also understand that just because we’ve faced discrimination doesn’t mean we understand every form of discrimination or are immune from being discriminatory ourselves. We all have some form of privilege, and acknowledging our privilege when it comes to gender means acknowledging the unconscious ways in which we can also be transphobic.

How about this – if you are asking yourself, “Is this offensive?” assume the answer is yes, and then decide how you want to behave. Sometimes, you want to offend. Sometimes you are doing something with irony, or satire, or you might be edgy or trying to make a point.

The rest of the time, you might remember when you’ve been hurt or angered by someone else marginalizing you or your experiences and so you decide you don’t want to make anyone feel that way.

Either way, you are free to think, support, and practice all sorts of behaviors. Despite the fears of the politically incorrect there will be no thought police coming to your home or office with a warrant for your arrest.

However you decide to act, though, you better own the responses to your decision. You should be prepared to handle the pain and harm your unwillingness to recognize the basic humanity of your adversary causes. You also need to be willing to face the consequences when their friends and allies come to challenge you on your hate speech.

Transphobia has no place in our movement. We are on the same team and we should be working together. Please don’t be part of the problem we must tackle to create a society free from discrimination.

Chocolate, Wine and Romance

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Mary Griggs, Publishing

Come to Laurel Bookstore on Valentine’s day for chocolate, wine and romance!

There will be Barlovento Chocolate and Roland Rosario wines. These are Oakland shops willing to share the V-Day love with us at Laurel Bookstore. Festivities start around 6:30. Readings by Karin Kallmaker & Mary Griggs. Meeting, greeting, flirting & schmoozing and maybe some true life or mostly true life tales told. Singles, couples and undecideds are welcome. Wine, Romance & Chocolate, what’s not to love?

02/14/2013 6:30 pm

Laurel Book Store
4100 MacArthur Blvd.
Oakland, CA 94619
510-531-2073

http://www.laurelbookstore.com/event/valentines-romance-lesbians